So, it’s about that time I want to curl up in a ball because EVERYONE and their sister is announcing they are pregnant. All the gals I know that I was ‘ahead of’ having my first kid before are now popping out their second – while I am sitting over here like, “Hey, I’m still breastfeeding and haven’t lost my baby weight.” So. I figured I’d break down the walls & share why we aren’t having a second kid. Yet.
The biggest reason. My boobs. I love them. I always have. I was the girl obsessed with the Victorias Secret catalog like the boys. Those perfect round boobs just made my heart leap. They are gorgeous. The decision to get implants happened at a very young age, but became a dream come true in August 2010. I was a nervous wreck, but have never, ever looked back. My wardrobe became fun. My confidence soared through the roof. Boobs made me feel like a confident, sexy women that I didn’t feel like I was before in my A cup, sports bra, biggest push up bra I could buy self.
Finding out I was pregnant with Presley was incredible. I was so excited, it was a little earlier than we had planned – but in hindsight the timing of everything worked out perfectly with insurance, and our move & Dental school. About halfway through my pregnancy I took a breastfeeding class & the instructor mentioned how a good majority of implant women are not able to breastfeed. Breastfeeding was never something I had my heart set on until one of our ultrasounds & it clicked that if it was the best thing I could do for her. I would. I was pretty rocked thinking I wouldn’t be able to breastfeed. Knowing it was the BEST thing I could do for my new baby, yet a selfish decision to get implants would hinder that.
A few days after having Presley my milk came in & my knockers were HUGE. (I loved every second of being engorged). You can read about my Breastfeeding journey – here & most recently here. Anyways, the first time I was hospitalized with Mastitis one of my implants became distorted & has gradually been getting worse over the last 7 months.
I’ve got Capsular Contracture. A pretty painful, (pain in the ass) rock hard tissue issue that needs to be surgically fixed AFTER my milk dries up. So, my plans of having another baby & breastfeeding Presley till she’s like 9 (kidding) have been thrown for a loop. Now I’m reading articles on how to wean slowly (the engorged rock hard implant is like a ticking time bomb with weaning). Every sickness, infection & complication with breastfeeding makes the capsular harder, larger & more painful. Mastisis, for ME, means Hospitalization. It isn’t something I can just fight at home with OTC antibiotics.
So. Presley and I are slowly weaning & I am slowly trying to get used to the fact that these new plans are okay. That this is all happening for a reason. A few months after I wean Presley I can have the surgery. Several months after that I can try to get pregnant again. And then just pray I can breastfeed the next baby.
That is why we are staying a family of 3 for awhile. Why if I’m not jumping for joy when you announce your second pregnancy – I’m jealous. I’m sad, I feel like a failure & that my decision to make ME feel better about myself is ruining my chances to breastfeeding & have babies close together. So, instead of stressing about two babies, I’ll be worrying about enjoying every single second of my only child. My perfect, cranky, roller coaster emotional girl – Presley.
Darn you boobs & babies & family making. You are stressful, hard stuff.