Before I became pregnant with Presley, I always viewed Breastfeeding as a ‘crunchy, granola person’ thing to do. I thought Mothers who breastfed their children were all vegetarian, and only used cloth diapers and homemade cleaning supplies. Then I got pregnant and took the Hospital tour & breastfeeding class & finally decided it was something I would try to do. It all felt much more normal, and much more me. I remember being in the Hospital and after Presley was put on my chest, I knew I would breastfeed her. I knew it would be perfect.
I remember sending a picture message to my mom when she latched, “Look Mom, I’m doing it!”. It felt normal and natural & I was proud to be Presley’s breastfeeding mother. She pretty much was attached to my boobs for those first few days in the hospital. We either cuddled & nursed or we slept. My milk came in a day after we got home (Day 4) and I remember taking a picture of these huge engorged boobs & sending it to Chad, “Look at these babies, best boob job ever!!”. I was ecstatic, not only because I had huge knockers – but because my milk had come in. I had a breast augmentation in August 2010 and I was always worried that I would never be able to breastfeed. (Such a selfish decision I made!). So I cried when my milk came in.
But then it got ugly, really quick.
I couldn’t get Presley to latch right, my milk would spray everywhere, she wouldn’t empty my breast & my nipples looked like war zones. I was using lanolin cream, ice packs, nothing would help with the soreness. Then they cracked and bled, I had pieces of my nipples flaking off. I remember sitting with Presley on my breastfeeding pillow while I watched milk drop from my breasts & it was pink because it was mixed with blood. Every 3 hours it would be nursing time and I would be terrified. I would clench my fists, curl my toes & just sob right into Presley’s face. I started hating her. She was hurting me. I knew it wasn’t her fault & that it was something we both needed to get used to, but I stopped breastfeeding. At that time, I had been gifted a single electric breast pump, so every hour I was pumping one side, then the other for 30-45 minutes round the clock. It still hurt, but not as bad. I would pump, feed Presley, pump again, take a nap, wake to pump, feed Presley. It was one of the hardest, most painful times of my life. To top that off, Presley literally screamed round the clock so Chad and I took turns so the other could rest. I remember being so glad when we had family come – but I was still pumping round the clock and absolutely miserable. I remember pumping in the computer chair in our tiny 1 bedroom apartment just sobbing my eyes out. My dad was visiting and after explaining the hassle of using a single pump (that was a cheap Walmart brand). He grabbed the car keys and went to Babies R Us & bought me a Medela double electric breast pump. My pumping time was cut in half & I was getting out almost twice as much milk as I was before. My supply finally was established and I had a schedule down. The pain had almost completely subsided and Presley would take a bottle from anyone (which was nice.) But I knew that I wouldn’t be able to continue being an exclusively pumping mother for much longer. It was so time-consuming and I could never leave the house without my pump, ice packs & bottles all ready to go.
So when Presley was 5 weeks I decided to try and get her to nurse again. My breasts were ‘toughened up’ and I figured if she latched – great. If not, I would keep pumping for another month and then just be done. She latched. It felt great. I felt proud & happy and that I was free to go anywhere with her. I could feed her easily anywhere we went. It hurt, and we had to get used to it. But after about 2 weeks we were champs. I was so proud. I loved nursing in public (with a cover at that time) because I was so proud that I had a boobie baby.
Over the next year, we went through many ups and downs. Presley would all of a sudden veto nursing & I would be forced to pump for a few days. She’s always been up at night so I would nurse her throughout the night & every 3 hours during the day until recently. Every time she is getting teeth she bites & hard. I’ve been hospitalized with mastitis, taken supplements to boost my supply – pumped in the middle of the night to try and boost my supply. I drink water constantly & have to watch what I am eating. I can’t go anywhere overnight & most days feel trapped at home because Presley ALWAYS needs her boobie. She usually refuses to take a milk bottle unless I’m not around & it’s Chad giving it to her. And despite all of that, I just keep going. Presley has always been a hard baby, she finds such comfort and happiness when nursing – I can’t imagine taking that away from her.
It has been a long road. A long, long breastfeeding road. I had a 6-month goal. Then a year. Then 18 months & we’ve made it. I don’t see us quitting anytime soon either. We are at a really good place, Presley nurses on demand & I just cut out her night feedings. She nurses sitting up, standing, while I’m standing, and cuddling. It’s magical. I never, ever thought I’d be THAT mom that pops out a boob in public, but I don’t mind it at all now. I’m proud to be a breastfeeding mother, NOT because I think it’s better than formula – but because I know how many trials Presley and I have been through to get to THIS point. I was so thankful when we met with Chrissy this last week. She captured such beautiful moments between Presley and I am emotional looking back at our breastfeeding journey….I’m so excited to print some of these out to display in her room & in my office.
So there is a bit of our story. I make it a personal goal to high-five every Mom I see breastfeeding – because it is hard, hard work. Shame on any of you who scold or scoff at Moms who breastfeed without a cover (I could go on for a while about this but I’ll spare you.) If you are a breastfeeding Mom, PROPS to you. Whether it’s 1 month, 3, 10, or 100 months. YOU are incredible. And formula moms, PROPS to you for being so strong in a world that’s covered with self-righteous in your face breastfeeding mothers. YOU are feeding & nurturing your child – and THAT deserves just as much (if not more) applause. Breastfeeding is a hard journey, but I know the trials I had the first time I bought the formula for Presley when I needed to supplement while boosting my supply. I applaud your courage & strength to not smack every (like me) ‘look at me breastfeeding mother’. Oh, and to the moms who exclusively pump – HUGE HUGE high five. I have a friend who exclusively pumped for an entire year! (GO HARMONY!)
So, basically just booyah to moms. Go spoil yourself today. And tomorrow & every day after.
Courtney says
Thank you for posting this. Such a beautiful story. I have had a pretty easy time breast feeding my boys with only a little cracking and biting and it’s still hard. Congrats on this milestone.
Rachel says
beautiful taush!
Leah says
Wow, I LOVE this entry! When my son, Mason, was 2 months old, we decided to stop breastfeeding and begin exclusively formula feeding based on the fact that I had low supply AND he had sensitivities to my milk that we were struggling to clear out of my system for him after weeks of trying. That decision was so hard for me to make, and in a way, I’ve been jealous of the wonderful breastfeeding mommies since the day we gave it up. I wish we could have continued past our difficulties, but it was already becoming clear that it wasn’t going to happen as easily or quickly as was necessary. So many breastfeeding moms put down moms like me for taking a different path, but you put so well that it is tough for EVERYONE these days. Thank you for acknowledging the struggle that formula feeding moms are faced with as well. It was sweet of you. 🙂 Not all formula feeding moms are doing it because they wanted to. I would much rather have been able to breast feed like you! Maybe with our next one. You are beautiful and strong for getting through the struggles that you faced to push forward with breast feeding! Looks like it’s been so worth it for you and Presley both. I am so glad!! You’re an inspiration.
Tausha says
Leah,
This totally made me tear up. I’ve got a good friend who would power pump daily, pump every hour, take every supplement known to man & would only squeeze out a few drops. Sometimes it just doesn’t work for some mommies. I was on the listening end of many phone calls she had thinking she was a horrible mother & sobbing every time she bought formula. It was so hard to help her realize how amazing of a mother she was by feeding & caring so much about her child. Thank YOU for your words – I wish I knew you then so I could have virtually hugged & kissed you – because I dread the day breastfeeding stops & I can only imagine how hard it was for you. It makes me sick when I see breastfeeding mothers shaming ‘formula moms’ – when they don’t even know the story (like you said). It makes me sick that as mothers, we are so judgmental and quick to pass that judgement – when we should be setting a better example for our children. High five & big hugs to you for being the mother that you are to Mason. XOXO
Kiesten says
Thanks for your beautiful story. I have been exclusively pumping for six months now, and been through plugged ducts and mastitis so I sympathize with you. So nice to hear about breastfeeding so candidly. Everyone used to tell me how easy it was, I love knowing I am not the only one who cried pumping at night.
Tausha says
Kirsten! HOLY CRAP! 6 months of exclusively pumping – YOU GO MOMMA!!!! That is incredible dedication – I cannot imagine. Mastistis sucks balls – Oh and pumping through it. I wouldn’t wish that pain on anyone. And don’t you worry, I’m still up crying at night. Thats motherhood for ya! Thanks for sharing your comment – I reallllly appreciate it! Keep pumping away girl!
Cathy @ Our Mini Family says
I really enjoyed reading this, Tausha! I honestly haven’t really wrapped my head around just how hard it can be to be a breastfeeding mother–with not having kids yet, I cannot relate on a personal level just yet; however, as a woman, I can relate to your strength and perseverance. I applaud you for celebrating your breastfeeding journey, and I loved reading this! Thank you so much for sharing!
~Cathy Mini~
OurMiniFamily.com
Karla says
Hi! I know we don’t know each other but we have a mutual pal through Brad Lindsey :-)! Thank you for this post! I’m a formula momma to a preemie and had a horrific time BF her. I got so much crap from some of the NICU nurses and some people. The pressure was horrible and I tried so hard. Between pumping every 3 hours, trying to put my little babe to breast, taking vitamins, eating oatmeal etc I was barely clearing 3 ounces after all that work. It was awful. I felt like a horrible mommy and an utter failure. I cried so many tears and I wish I could breastfeed my little girl. It just breaks my heart. Your post was just lovely and you had such a wonderful journey! That’s amazing! Thank you so much for being so kind and supportive to us formula mommies. People are very unkind at times but it’s posts like this that give me hope! If God decides to bless us with another little one, I am absolutely going to try again! 😀
Tausha says
Hey Karla,
Crazy small world huh? I love Brad – give him a hug for me next time you see him. I miss him. What an amazing story you have – I cannot even imagine the pain you felt – but you are definitely NOT a failure. I cannot imagine all the sacrifices you made & the trials you had to encounter as a new mom to a preemie! It makes me so sad that women are so judgmental towards other mothers, especially in regards to breastfeeding vs. formula. I would personally slap any of the woman in the face & not think twice about it. I hope your preemie is doing well – I’m sure there is absolutely no difference in formula vs breastfeeding effects on them. I hope you’ve come to a good place with it – I know that mommy guilt can get you down sometimes. HUGE HUGS from Arizona to you. XOXO
Jenna says
Tausha, good for you for sticking it out! I formula-fed my oldest when breast milk wasn’t working for her, but I was able to nurse my sin to 1 year (he self-weaned) and now my little babe is going on 3 months! It’s great and so convenient, but I sure did love bottle-feeding too. Whatever works!